Her Psyche

A particular girl has been labeled the serious old-soul type. She agrees that it’s not the best thing at her age, but can’t help it. Maybe she’s inhaled the lingering scent of an aged person and that has manipulated her psyche into thinking that she’s really as ancient as she feels although she knows hasn’t seen much of life. She’s not rebellious or highly depressed. She just lacks the cheery vigor that others have. She’s not deliberately restricting herself when she should be frolicking about (no sarcasm intended) in pretty skirts and dresses. She understands and appreciates it when people say she should lighten up and needs a more chic wardrobe in order to savor her youth before it’s too late. People tell her that she should have an appealing lifestyle by being more beauty conscious, bouncy and making more friends. As well meant as their concern is about the lack of spring in her existence, she’d also like them to realize that it’s important for her to feel comfortable in her own skin. Being chirpy and trendy only makes her feel superficial and gawky. She doesn’t resent or mock the advice of others. She actually thinks it’s delightful when other girls spread the cheerful spirit with their style and refreshing youthfulness, and have many acquaintances. She really does. But she’s at ease by herself. She’s not always sad; she’s just peaceful when she’s left alone. She likes to be her own person without pressure from others around her despite their good intentions. Socially, although people think she’s mature, they perceive her to be a self-absorbed, lazy reclusive who thinks she’s superiorly different and contaminates their festive air with her gloom. They're annoyed at her passiveness which is misunderstood as her way of expressing misery or anger .They think she’s a snob in a subtle way. Now that’s not a good look especially when all she silently wants is for them to lead their lives which she sincerely thinks are charming, without coaxing her to get involved…she’d love to live her moments in peaceful content even if it seems dull or selfish to them …

For Better Or Worse?

Originally written in Jan in Xanga; reposting it here

I'm aware of what's tangible and what's mere fantasy. I accept what was, is, will be and will never be. Certain experiences have made me a better person while others haven't...
For Better:
I've realized that some things are best left unsaid. Why yell when you know the other person's not listening? They're busy fabricating accusations to throw back. You hurl insults knowing it won't alleviate the situation. You regret it after destroying the other person and yourself. Of course all arguments/fights are not destructive, they can be constructive too. It's when you indulge in brawls without thinking about the consequences that makes you a bad judge. Don't make assumptions before you learn more about what happened. Wait for explanations before lashing out at your loved ones or others. Sometimes you've got to ignore the little provocations. How many times have we thought, "God, I shouldn't have said/done that...what was I thinking?" Well next time, please think about that before you say anything. I've also learned to be more patient. And despite accusations, I've become more open to certain things that people close to me don't like. I can't blame them for what they were taught. It's not easy to change your perceptions as time goes on. We're all imperfect. So don't sweat the small stuff ; patience is the key...
Tutoring has become a huge part of me. It's fun and gives me a purpose. It's the satisfaction of knowing that students are comfortable coming to you. It's irksome when people blow you off in dire times. One has to realize that not all are on the same level. What if you were entirely helpless and the person you approached snubbed you for your "lack" of whatever? So my sessions are based on respect and patience. Some arrogant students get mad at others who need an explanation in the simplest terms. Then I'd have to politely, yet firmly point out that it's very essential for everybody to understand what's going on, we're at the right pace and not delaying anyone. If they have a problem with that, they should confront me privately, not embarrass others who feel "stupid". These A students range from the age of 20-30. I wish they were mature and patient instead of complaining like spoiled geniuses. The point is, instead of thinking you're great or looking down on others, treat people equally with warmth and respect...empathize and ALWAYS put yourself in other's shoes...
For Worse:
I'm no longer chatty. When I have to go out to Indian parties all dressed up, I feel like I'm being dragged. Women gossip while openly scrutinizing/criticizing my appearance. It's not my idea of fun. I'm not mean or sarcastic. I don't hate entertainment. It's when there are too many known people, or strangers. I'm pretty friendly. Cordial might be the appropriate word. When I'm forced to socialize in gatherings, I'm stiff and hide behind the laughter of kids. I didn't realize it until I was told. When I sit behind in a car, I look out the window lost in thought. I don't volunteer in animated conversations. It irritates my brother-in-law, when I relax silently without the pressure of having to talk. He says I've turned into an "American" who needs privacy. I thought he had painted a picture of me as a rebellious, non-conformist girl. But I was wrong. Apparently, I'm a LONER to my family. But you know what? Although I know that's not something to be proud of, I'm okay with it. Right now, I like things as they are when I don't have to be a social butterfly...being a loner is actually nice and comfy...
Well, that was a lot of rambling. If nothing else, I've sorted out my good and bad characteristics.