Her Psyche

A particular girl has been labeled the serious old-soul type. She agrees that it’s not the best thing at her age, but can’t help it. Maybe she’s inhaled the lingering scent of an aged person and that has manipulated her psyche into thinking that she’s really as ancient as she feels although she knows hasn’t seen much of life. She’s not rebellious or highly depressed. She just lacks the cheery vigor that others have. She’s not deliberately restricting herself when she should be frolicking about (no sarcasm intended) in pretty skirts and dresses. She understands and appreciates it when people say she should lighten up and needs a more chic wardrobe in order to savor her youth before it’s too late. People tell her that she should have an appealing lifestyle by being more beauty conscious, bouncy and making more friends. As well meant as their concern is about the lack of spring in her existence, she’d also like them to realize that it’s important for her to feel comfortable in her own skin. Being chirpy and trendy only makes her feel superficial and gawky. She doesn’t resent or mock the advice of others. She actually thinks it’s delightful when other girls spread the cheerful spirit with their style and refreshing youthfulness, and have many acquaintances. She really does. But she’s at ease by herself. She’s not always sad; she’s just peaceful when she’s left alone. She likes to be her own person without pressure from others around her despite their good intentions. Socially, although people think she’s mature, they perceive her to be a self-absorbed, lazy reclusive who thinks she’s superiorly different and contaminates their festive air with her gloom. They're annoyed at her passiveness which is misunderstood as her way of expressing misery or anger .They think she’s a snob in a subtle way. Now that’s not a good look especially when all she silently wants is for them to lead their lives which she sincerely thinks are charming, without coaxing her to get involved…she’d love to live her moments in peaceful content even if it seems dull or selfish to them …

For Better Or Worse?

Originally written in Jan in Xanga; reposting it here

I'm aware of what's tangible and what's mere fantasy. I accept what was, is, will be and will never be. Certain experiences have made me a better person while others haven't...
For Better:
I've realized that some things are best left unsaid. Why yell when you know the other person's not listening? They're busy fabricating accusations to throw back. You hurl insults knowing it won't alleviate the situation. You regret it after destroying the other person and yourself. Of course all arguments/fights are not destructive, they can be constructive too. It's when you indulge in brawls without thinking about the consequences that makes you a bad judge. Don't make assumptions before you learn more about what happened. Wait for explanations before lashing out at your loved ones or others. Sometimes you've got to ignore the little provocations. How many times have we thought, "God, I shouldn't have said/done that...what was I thinking?" Well next time, please think about that before you say anything. I've also learned to be more patient. And despite accusations, I've become more open to certain things that people close to me don't like. I can't blame them for what they were taught. It's not easy to change your perceptions as time goes on. We're all imperfect. So don't sweat the small stuff ; patience is the key...
Tutoring has become a huge part of me. It's fun and gives me a purpose. It's the satisfaction of knowing that students are comfortable coming to you. It's irksome when people blow you off in dire times. One has to realize that not all are on the same level. What if you were entirely helpless and the person you approached snubbed you for your "lack" of whatever? So my sessions are based on respect and patience. Some arrogant students get mad at others who need an explanation in the simplest terms. Then I'd have to politely, yet firmly point out that it's very essential for everybody to understand what's going on, we're at the right pace and not delaying anyone. If they have a problem with that, they should confront me privately, not embarrass others who feel "stupid". These A students range from the age of 20-30. I wish they were mature and patient instead of complaining like spoiled geniuses. The point is, instead of thinking you're great or looking down on others, treat people equally with warmth and respect...empathize and ALWAYS put yourself in other's shoes...
For Worse:
I'm no longer chatty. When I have to go out to Indian parties all dressed up, I feel like I'm being dragged. Women gossip while openly scrutinizing/criticizing my appearance. It's not my idea of fun. I'm not mean or sarcastic. I don't hate entertainment. It's when there are too many known people, or strangers. I'm pretty friendly. Cordial might be the appropriate word. When I'm forced to socialize in gatherings, I'm stiff and hide behind the laughter of kids. I didn't realize it until I was told. When I sit behind in a car, I look out the window lost in thought. I don't volunteer in animated conversations. It irritates my brother-in-law, when I relax silently without the pressure of having to talk. He says I've turned into an "American" who needs privacy. I thought he had painted a picture of me as a rebellious, non-conformist girl. But I was wrong. Apparently, I'm a LONER to my family. But you know what? Although I know that's not something to be proud of, I'm okay with it. Right now, I like things as they are when I don't have to be a social butterfly...being a loner is actually nice and comfy...
Well, that was a lot of rambling. If nothing else, I've sorted out my good and bad characteristics.

Dedicated to Chris and Celeste(picture)

Sadly, my much awaited spring break is almost over...I have a lot of research to do the rest of this week, and we have guests coming over tomorrow. I have a bad feeling that I won't get everything done. Atleast my room is not a mess anymore...have much more cleaning to do..I'm taking a break. On another note, a scary thing happened to Chris, a coworker at the hospital where I volunteer (I've mentioned him in another post). He's almost ready to graduate from nursing school along with his cute little sister Celeste. All they do is work and study, and they have tests almost everyday...their pretty blue eyes have turned red from exhaustion. So this past weekend, I saw Chris wearing glasses for the first time in 9 months. Little did I know the story behind that. After studying so much for 4 tests in a row, he fell asleep with his contacts at 2 a.m. on Friday. When he woke up and took out his lens from one eye, part of his cornea tore along with it...he rushed bleeding to the E.R, and as studious as he is, he went to take the test for an hour!!! I can't even imagine it...whoever heard the story was squirming and didn't even want to hear it, including my mom who's a nurse!! I feel so sorry for these siblings...they're so frustrated with their schedule...I admire everything they do. Thank God they'll be done in May..exactly a year after I got to work with these wonderful people!! Celeste is a pretty and vivacious girl; Chris is a bit quiet, but a very funny guy...I'll miss them when they stop working there after graduation...volunteering is basically the only fun I have, especially with them around and leaving with a big hug. Anyway, I guess I just felt so bad that I just wanted to write all this..and here's a picture of them (Celeste in red, Chris in black...with their respective better halves and beside Chris is his dad in brown)! Okay then, back to cleaning for another3-4 hours:(

Back...

I've been tooooo busy. I've not been sleeping too well since my classes started, and my work is almost killing me because there's so much to prepare. In fact, I've forgotten what it's like to sleep...5 hours sounds so luxurious to me! One special thing that happened last month was my mom's 60th birthday. My sister gave her a surprise party at an Indian restaurant where all her friends showed up...I wrote a poem and framed it...she loved it, but the ultimate shock for her was when my sister showed her the receipt of the 42'' plasma T.V that she bought for my mom's bedroom...she was speechless!! She said this was the most unforgettable birthday she had...we had a great time. The funny thing is, my poor sister is so possessive and jealous that she hates it when my mom reads my poem, or tells someone about it. It's like torture to her! But that's something I love about her...she's so childish when it comes to that...never lets my mom hug me or smooth my hair away...she squeezes in between...she's cute! Well I guess she loves my mom more because she bought her the T.V and planned the whole thing...that's her point of view! It was a lovely day though. The rest of the days are so hectic, that I barely get to say a hi to my sister and kiss my mom goodday. Christ, I barely see my mom twice-thrice a week! This is getting worse each day...no sleep, no family fun, not a single friend...nothing except studying and working...sometimes I just wish to sleep away and think of my own pleasures...but then that would make me selfish and useless...sigh... Okay, stop whining Tanya!!
MOM
You hold my hand as I falter with every step.
You wipe my salty tears with your nurturing palms.
You soothe my darkest fears with your brightest smile.
You wrap me tight with all your warmth when I shiver in
the freezing cold.
Only when I see your assuring smile can I start my day.
Nothing makes me feel more secure than your bear hug.
Nothing shows me how much I’m loved more than your
little peck on my cheek.
I wouldn’t be the person I am without you.
As I celebrate your blessing in my life,
I just want to say… Thank You Mom!

Just tagged

I was tagged by someone from xanga. Instructions: Name 10 of life's simple pleasures that you like the most, then pick 10 people. Try to be original and creative; try not to use things that someone else has already used. Unfortunately I think no one visits my page at all, but if that happens, then I'd like to tag...Maria and Hari. Okay, nothing's in order....here we go...
1. Getting e-mails and phone calls from my friends in India.
2. Watching kids engrossed in their innocent activities (playing, sleeping, dancing), and sometimes joining them if I'm welcome.
3. Listening to music and humming along when I'm all alone.
4. Reading a novel while nibbling an apple and listening to music simultaneously.
5. Letting my older sister get away with things just to see her childish reaction for a few minutes.
6. Being able to bring out a genuine smile from someone at the hospital.
7. This is embarassing...watching cartoons...animated movies. And watching movies with my family.
8. The smell of moisture-filled soil in India just before it rains...it's been a looooong time.
9. Writing a poem when I feel like it...which happens only once or twice a year.
10. Pausing to pay attention to nature's beauty...watching the grass and trees sway, feeling the wind blow my hair away, listening to my chirpy little friends, and watching animals scurry around.

Heart-warming smile

It's been quite a while again...I've been terribly busy, and dragging along all these days. Summer classes are just not fun...especially Math. I feel so stupid going to Math Lab almost everyday for help...it's always been a nightmare for me. My brain's fried and I'm weak. Last week I was exhausted when I got back from the hospital, but my sister wanted me to go to a concert for youngsters at Lakewood Church...performed by Hillsong. And it was amazing...the energy of all the kids...the whole place was packed. Although I was beat, it was worth the trip...very inspiring. Today, Joel Osteen's message at church was to eat right...unfortunately, after the service, I and my sister were starving and gorged on a fantastic buffet at an Indian restaurant nearby...the food was absolutely delicious, and I felt like a baby whale when I got back home. So much for listening to Joel's message...I'm guilty now. But there was a cute little kid at the restaurant...he was just running around back and forth smiling at us as I waved a hi to him. And then when we were eating, he suddenly came so close to our table, gave me a million dollar smile and pranced away again...he was adorable... it's been a while since I've played with children too. I see a lot of angelic yet naughty little faces at the hospital, but never have time to stop by and watch their antics. Well, now I have to start a new week...of Math again...can't wait for it to end...I'm too tired to even lift a pencil or think anymore. It's really been ages since I had vacations or fun..except on my sister's birthday and at that concert. Okay, before I fall off my chair, goodnight...

Tanya's talkative day

Well, I had a really nice day at the hospital today...didn't have to run around all the time. I was at the desk breaking down a lot of charts...the telemetry techs Mike (my favorite, fatherly person), and Chris were joking around a lot and making me laugh the whole time. Mike was talking about his daughter's little tricks on him, and Chris was teasing him mercilessly. And I was so happy when Chris said that I look small after realizing that I'm a college student and not in high school...because he was the 2nd person who said that...usually people have always told me that I look much older than my age and have asked me where I work(professionally) or how many kids I have since I was 14...pathetic isn't it...to be delighted about something as stupid as this? I'm weird. And since I'm short, I always have a hard time using the tall machine to fill water pitchers...I was on my toes trying not to stumble. And just when Chris came in hiccuping loudly, I dropped water all over the place. It was a big mess...we were trying to clean up, but failed because we were laughing uncontrollably while Chris was hiccupping desperately with a red face. Well, it would have been a funny sight if you were there..I can't really explain. Chris promised to keep my clumsy little secret intact. I think today was the most talking I ever did to anybody besides my family after a year in Houston...Mike and Chris just brought out the talkative side of me (But I'm the loudest jumpy daughter at home!) Anyway, I had a loooot of fun today for 7 hours...busy day, but not the ehxausting kind. I was studying government a little while ago...I'm bored...wish I didn't have summer classes. Well, it's almost 2 a.m....off to my cozy floor (persisting backache). Good night/morning

My first post

This is going to be a pretty awkward entry since it's my first one. I just created this blog because of boredom...maybe for fun too. I guess I can write something about my not-so-interesting life (to me it is) here too. I haven't been doing much during the holidays...just eating, sleeping, reading and sitting in front of the computer. I'm beginning to get a little worried about getting transferred to a proper university soon...I've got to look more into applications instead of getting scared and avoiding them. I just hope that I'll actually get into one of the universities....inthe UH system. And I had strange nightmares all night, maybe after a whole month which was unnerving...Tsunami and other ones...scary. I had four hours of disturbed sleep which is better than staying awake all night staring at the ceiling for endless hours and then drifting of to another land....well, I usually move on to India. I wonder why my friends are not able to keep in touch with me...I'm dying to hear something from them soon. Well, that's enough for the first entry...pretty boring right?...I thought so. Sadly, that's just how I am.